as i am

How do I protect myself from everything my mind has become?

And when is enough, enough?

I try to find glimpses of fragments of memories of self, and yet I can't seem to compile the pieces and create a whole person. Everything I know about myself is erased at midnight and I spend the day just trying to figure it all out again. 

If this is ADHD, some disorder of the mind, why does it feel like much more? Why do I feel sub-human? Why am I so lost even though I have no expectation of where I should be? Why is every day far less real and far more painful than the one before?

I am not looking for love because the pursuit itself would drive me insane. Yet, I am aware of my need for another. And, even more aware that most of my needs are self-serving alone. There is nothing I could be or give to another person to make loving me seem rewarding. To make life with me seem like a completion. There is too much and too little and none of it makes sense. 

There is nothing here. And I think I've tricked far too many people for a lifetime. How I was ever loved for years at a time, I will never understand. 

I need to know if I was ever worth it, ever deserving, ever more than this. 

I am trying to drown out the noise even now and numb that which begs for explanation. A decent explanation for this existence cannot exist. 

When is enough, enough? And when do I get to make the call on my own life. 

Send answers.