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as i am

How do I protect myself from everything my mind has become? And when is enough, enough? I try to find glimpses of fragments of memories of self, and yet I can't seem to compile the pieces and create a whole person. Everything I know about myself is erased at midnight and I spend the day just trying to figure it all out again.  If this is ADHD, some disorder of the mind, why does it feel like much more? Why do I feel sub-human? Why am I so lost even though I have no expectation of where I should be? Why is every day far less real and far more painful than the one before? I am not looking for love because the pursuit itself would drive me insane. Yet, I am aware of my need for another. And, even more aware that most of my needs are self-serving alone. There is nothing I could be or give to another person to make loving me seem rewarding. To make life with me seem like a completion. There is too much and too little and none of it makes sense.  There is nothing here. And I think I...
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remnants

remnants i remember  when i was my fathers when his anger, like venom, would spit from my tongue when i was my mothers and her suffering became my guilt became my suffering in turn and when i was his and made a home of his skin and spoke only in the language  he inherited in the womb and then i was yours and my laughter, transformed, holding every inflection of you and now? i dance alone this life- always alone- somehow still holding onto  the pieces of me that do not belong to me at all when my suffering becomes my guilt, becomes my suffering and i am sobbing on the pavement in the cold and dark and i can't help but curse at the wind and all of a sudden a language leaves my lips, the only calming language i know, his- and, i am smiling at the irony, at the way i have always found hope in distress and as a dandelion rests at my feet seeking out pollination then a laugh resounds from my belly it is your laugh it is you i am happy and i am betrayed and the grief has struck ...
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february, the month of love they are all finding it somewhere somewhere i clearly have failed to look sometimes  i tell myself somehow  they have found just the right amount of audacity to lie to another's face so that they do not sleep alone someone preying on the misguided and the misinformed throwing around promises of a future  they recycle every time they luck out something so tangible between two people - desperation - not love somewhere loneliness has laid its head and planted its kisses now just replaced with  someone you cannot appreciate but you hold all the cards manipulated your way too many times to count so you can call it what you want but i know the ways i was looked at before you looked at me that way after you had already made your eternal vows and undoubtedly you have made vows again i don't believe in your love it is controlling and possessive and reeks of nicotine if it can change sure i'll vote for it but i know you i've watched you you don't h...
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