as i am
How do I protect myself from everything my mind has become? And when is enough, enough? I try to find glimpses of fragments of memories of self, and yet I can't seem to compile the pieces and create a whole person. Everything I know about myself is erased at midnight and I spend the day just trying to figure it all out again. If this is ADHD, some disorder of the mind, why does it feel like much more? Why do I feel sub-human? Why am I so lost even though I have no expectation of where I should be? Why is every day far less real and far more painful than the one before? I am not looking for love because the pursuit itself would drive me insane. Yet, I am aware of my need for another. And, even more aware that most of my needs are self-serving alone. There is nothing I could be or give to another person to make loving me seem rewarding. To make life with me seem like a completion. There is too much and too little and none of it makes sense. There is nothing here. And I think I...