remnants

remnants

i remember 

when i was my fathers

when his anger,

like venom,

would spit from my tongue

when i was my mothers

and her suffering

became my guilt

became my suffering

in turn

and when i was his

and made a home of his skin

and spoke only in the language 

he inherited in the womb

and then i was yours

and my laughter,

transformed,

holding every inflection of you

and now?

i dance alone

this life-

always alone-

somehow still holding onto 

the pieces of me

that do not belong to me at all

when my suffering becomes my guilt,

becomes my suffering

and i am sobbing on the pavement

in the cold and dark

and i can't help but curse at the wind

and all of a sudden

a language leaves my lips,

the only calming language i know,

his-

and, i am smiling at the irony,

at the way i have always found hope in distress

and

as a dandelion rests at my feet

seeking out pollination

then

a laugh resounds from my belly

it is your laugh

it is you

i am happy

and i am betrayed

and the grief has struck all over again